You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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