Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
