Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
