Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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