she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
