she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
