Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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