saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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