I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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