My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
