you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
