Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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