have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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