She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
