I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
