I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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