im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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