i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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