He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
