I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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