Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
