if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
