Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
