There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
