and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
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Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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