I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.