made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him