I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis