From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts