Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
