my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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