Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
