pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
