trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
