there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
