we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize