Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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