I wish I could teleport
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize