sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
