This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
