My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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