If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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