Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
