what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
