I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
