i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
