Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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