I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
