new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
