I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
