he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
