Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
