oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
