I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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