I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
