you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
