Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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