Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
