I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
