So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.